“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.” When you’re suffering from depression you’ll sometimes start to stop feeling things and sometimes all those repressed feelings will cluster like a lump in your lungs and you will desperately want to” Cease upon the midnight with no pain”.
Staring at things for seconds, then minutes, then hours. Soon you’ll lose your appetite and stop blinking your eyes. And then one day a rope or a tinsel blade will find your way, as a friend. How do I know all of that? Because I have been there, in an asylum, alone, striving for a flicker of light within bars and iron gates and mighty darkness that prevails over the night.
When it starts, most people can’t make their emotions reach their lips. So they bleed inside and after a while, you see patches of dark brown clumps of blood sometimes in a blade or sometimes in the heart full of pain.
When you can afford to speak up about it, it adds more to your existing problems like society labels you as insane, your parents start to think you’re worrying in vain, or probably this is a trick of attention-gain. You start feeling lonely. The kind of loneliness where a room full of people manage to make you even lonelier. And you start to call death by soft names.
When you seek help in peers or someone elder and “experienced” you’ll find out how depression is a myth and just a misunderstanding of mind. And how millennial brood over it for no reasons. They will say you’re not cool enough, the older people will blame technology in a habit and how in their time everyone was happy like a meadow and you’ll feel like closing up again.
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Don’t do that. Don’t. However depressing my experience altogether was, I learned, if you don’t speak up and let it grow inside you, one day you’ll be buried underneath prescriptions after prescriptions and pills after pills, and then it would be hard to find the crack from where the light gets in.
If you have that lump in your lungs, don’t repress it. Scream yourself mute, talk till your last breath, and seek help till you finally find your way out. Don’t give up. Don’t be a mess. Fight back you way in the nest.